You always have a choice

Sometimes in you life you paint a pretty picture and plan your whole life out in just a few moments. When you do this you only seem to look at the positive things and ignore the bad things. You look at one person that you love and your whilling to give up everything you believe in to be with them beause you think that love is enough to make you happy.
However this isnt the case, ever. Love is not enough. You need commitment and security. You need to know that your pretty picture will be safe and that you'll always be taken care of. If one person in the relationship is doing all the providing, all the fighting, its not going to work. There must be a equal partnership, and equal love, equal support.
I realised this today.

Lies, lies and more lies

Why do we make things up sometimes?
And just because we made it up, does that automatically mean its a lie?
Can you tell yourself something enough to get yourself to believe it?
A story that your mind created.
Story to help you deal with the ugly horrible truth.
A truth that you didn't realise you were creating.
A truth that smacked you in the face the next morning
when you woke up the next morning hurt, bruised, and scarred.
Your mind automatically starts rationalizing, protecting, making up reasons why you didn't say no. Why you weren't scared and why you said yes to one thing but got something else
and didn't stop when you should have.
There was a moment when the pain started.
The moment when the spontaneous and promiscuous you was enjoying the moment
only to be shocked and horrified by what happened next.
The pain ripped through me, and my mind screamed no.
My body halted all pleasure and the pain took over.
Instinct made me pull away and fight back only to be faced with a stronger fight,
a stronger pull backwards back into the pain.
I fought harder pushed way.
Only to receive a harder smack, a harder push, a harder demand.
Tears welled up
resistance stopped
I gave in and let him break me
I gave in and didn't fight
The pain went on even longer, harder
I wanted it to stop but didn't know how
Eventually it did
and now I lay here wondering
What have I done, what did I do?
What will I say
How can I free myself from the lie,
from the truth?

Life

But paradise is locked and bolted

We must make a journey around the world

to see if the back door has purhaps been left open.

That one person...

"Have you ever had a moment when you're with the one person in the world you want to be with, and the wind is blowing through your hair and the song that just describes your entire soul happens to come on. And the person you happen to want to be with happens to love the same song and suddenly you realize your listening to it together? And that no matter how crazy your life has gotten, there's this one moment... this perfect moment where you could just say that no matter what happens, nothing could take this moment away from me... and then something does."

Words I can't say right now

As I said before, certain song, certain lyrics express things that I cant say. They speak the words that I cant speak.

"Young and full of running
Tell me where has that taken me?
Just a great figure eight or a tiny infinity?"

Being young and in Love. Every time I fall in Love I cant help but wonder where it is going, if its going to go anywhere at all. A great figure eight? Will I be circling this same path into something worth while or and I doomed to an infinity of heartbreak?

"Love is really nothing
But a dream that keeps waking me
For all of my trying, we still end up dying
How can it be?"

Is Love something that's real or is it just a dream, a "delusional fantasy"? We walk through life with this goal of finding true Love. Of finding something worth living for. Someone worth living for. We try so hard but in the end was it ever worth it? And if it is worth it and we do end up finding that person, things still don't last, we still die.....

"Don't say a word, just come over and lie here with me
'Cause I'm just about to set fire to everything I see
I want you so bad, I'll go back on the things I believe
There I just said it, I'm scared you'll forget about me"

Finding that one person, and wanting that one person regardless of the situation. Your willing to change and fix yourself to what they want but then afraid that no matter what you do you may never be what they want or need.

"So young and full of running
All the way to the edge of desire
Steady my breathing, silently screaming
I have to have you now"

Need, it all comes down to need.

"Wired and I'm tired
Think I'll sleep in my clothes on the floor
Or maybe this mattress will spin on its axis
And find me on yours"
When they're gone, they are all you can think about and you would do anything to have them with you. Have them with you at that very moment. To have them hold you and comfort you. To feel they're love and to feel that they need you as much as you need them.

So many things I wish I could say. So many things I wish I could talk about and explain. But I cant.... So I sing

...but your picture on my wall, it reminds me that its not so bad...

A song, despite why it was written, can have a million different meanings to a million different people. The feelings can be similar and the point the artist was trying to make can be clear but the feelings that you get when a certain song comes on that just happens to describe everything that is going on in your life at that very moment can pretty much take your breath away. I pretty much base all of my music preference on artists that seem to try and reach people on that same level through their lyrics.
A good example is the song "thank you" by dido. She wrote the song originally to say thank you to someone for making even her bad days better just by simply being a part of her life.


 Dido: "It was such a brilliant track. It totally twisted my very sweet love song into something very dark. I loved it"


Like she said when Eminem heard it, he thought of something different....


Eminem: "When I heard the words to that song, I was like, "Yo, this is an obsessed fan." Dido's words instantly put me there."


A song can take you to a place in your mind that can be a memory or somewhere that your imagination makes up. Both thank you and Stan where both relatively straight forward songs that clearly illustrated what they were really about but they were able to change them into something completely different.


The same thing happens when you associate a certain song with a certain memory. A song that brings up a beautiful memory for you could bring up a horrible one for someone else. Memories of what you were doing and how you were feeling when you heard that specific song can change the meaning of that song for you or someone else.

Music is extremely powerful and I wonder sometimes what life would be like without it. Singing at the top of my lungs to a song with powerful lyrics is one of the greatest ways to relieve stress. Singing the words is like saying all the things I wish I could say but cant. Singing gives a voice to my feelings.

Toaster

Just be yourself
like you know exactly what that is...
Like your a toaster or something...
Like there's only one way to pop you out.
Well maybe being me isnt just one thing?
maybe just searching for me is being me
and not being them, being themselves.... being toasters.
Maybe being me is more like a breakfast variety pack?
Maybe that's what I'll be today
But tomorrow who knows?
Maybe the blue plate special?